Late into the night, the fluorescent hum of the co-working space was the only sound, save for the tapping of keys and the occasional clink of a bottle.
Jason Raymond: Yeah, no worries. I'll... the coffee machine is right over here. You can make yourself a cup. I'm already four deep.
Pat Seethaler: Oh, don't worry. I have my IPA from the disc golf course.
Jason Raymond: Oh, perfect. I know you're a big fan of those IPAs.
Pat Seethaler: Oh, yeah. The greatest thing ever brewed.
A sudden knock echoes from the door.
Jason Raymond: Oh yeah, come on in. What's up?
Willie Webb: Are you... are you Jason Raymond, tax accountant?
Jason Raymond: I... I am Jason Raymond, tax accountant.
Willie Webb: Uh, my name's Willie.
Willie Webb: I... I have procrastinated on doing my taxes and tax day is tomorrow.
He slaps down a pile of miscellaneous receipts.
Jason Raymond: It happens.
As you step towards the door, a deafening crunch echoes through the air. Your vision goes white.
The pub across the street, the buildings, the cars... all gone. Replaced by an instant, frigid darkness.
Frozen for a split second, you see Anna leaning out, her friendly face visible... then she's just gone.
A violent wind rushes through shattered windows. A few random objects remain – a bike wreck, a bar stool leg, a meat tenderizer.
Something rolls slowly to Jason's foot.
It's Anna's head.
Then, a voice echoes inside your mind.
Surviving humans take note. Per Syndicate rules, subsection 543 of the Precious Elemental Reserves Code, having failed to file a proper appeal for mineral and elemental rights within 50 Solars of first contact, your planet has been successfully seized...
Pat Seethaler: I don't know what y'all put in this coffee, but it's really messing with me right now.
Jason Raymond: I don't think that was just the coffee, Pat. This doesn't sound good to me.
Pat Seethaler: Jason, that's just your boss, right?
Jason Raymond: We had... we were friendly.
Willie Webb: How friendly?
Pat Seethaler: Well, I'm not sure it really matters anymore because... as a doctor, my professional opinion is that she is deceased.
Jason Raymond: As a tax accountant, I also agree she's deceased.
Willie Webb: I'd say she is a nonprofit.
Freddy Kane: As a handyman, I'd say he... she ain't working no more.
Pat Seethaler: Holy s... Who are you?
Freddy Kane: Freddy Kane. Good to meet you.
Pat Seethaler: Did you notice that all the buildings just blinked out of existence? Did you get that message about the whole syndicate like taking all of our resources...?
A distant white light appears on the horizon, a beacon in the sudden void.
Jason Raymond: Wow. We... Let's... Let's go towards that light.
Amidst the scattered remnants of the city, the group surveys the few remaining objects.
Willie Webb: I mean, I'm thinking like dungeon... I immediately go to like, I want to grab that meat tenderizer.
A serial procrastinator with a knack for getting out of tight spots picks up a heavy, spiked meat tenderizer.
Willie Webb: And maybe the apron just to cosplay as like a butcher.
He also grabs a stained apron.
Freddy Kane: I just look at the bike and go, All right, yeah, this probably will work at least for a little bit.
A generic handyman with a slight beer gut and noticeably large forearms attempts to jury-rig pegs onto a delivery bike using a bar stool leg. It does not go well.
Pat Seethaler: That's... I mean, you know, that's a good point. And he slams the espresso that he had and looks at Freddy goes, Yeah, you can just try to keep up on the bike, Freddy. I got this.
A doctor and avid disc golf player, characterized by his love for IPAs and a surprising tolerance for excessive espresso, downs his giant coffee cup and starts jogging towards the light.
Jason Raymond: Freddy, screwdriver.
A tax accountant with a good-natured, slightly 'little hippie' vibe, wearing a nice sweater and scarf, rips his scarf in half and hands a piece to a serial procrastinator with a knack for getting out of tight spots to cover his face against the sudden, frigid cold.
The frigid air bites at your skin. But ahead, a brightly lit hole in the ground emanates a welcoming warmth.
Pat Seethaler: Well, um guys, uh I can I can tell you from uh my studies that we had about like 10 more minutes before we hit hypothermia.
Pat Seethaler: So, like I'm gonna I'm gonna jump in this.
Jason Raymond: Let's do it.
Freddy Kane: Don't have... Tell me twice.
You step towards the light, the cold giving way to a balmy heat that prickles your skin.
As you enter, a loading screen appears in your vision, freezing your movement.
The staircase before you is vast, made of rusted iron, carved with grotesque fish or demons. It feels like it was made from the very city that just vanished.
Hover tooltips pop up in your mind's eye.
Crawler Number: [Your Number], Race: Human, Level: 1. New Race and Class available upon reaching Floor 3. Stats based on current physical and mental profile. See Stat Menu for more details.
Willie Webb: Can I ask a dumb question? How do I look at my stats on Foundry?
Access Denied. Error.
At the bottom of the stairs, a long marble floor leads to huge metal doors.
A tooltip appears as you focus on the doors.
This is a rendition of the Kuan Tin, the dominant species of the Borant system... Make sure you recognize these guys. There'll be a test later.
Willie Webb: Together!
A serial procrastinator with a knack for getting out of tight spots links arms with the others. The group awkwardly shuffles towards the door.
Jason Raymond: We're locked arms, so we have to kick the door open.
They kick the massive metal doors, which slide open with surprising ease.
You find yourselves in a long hallway. A new voice echoes in your head, appearing as full subtitles.
Crawlers to the first.
You are bombarded with achievement notifications.
New Achievement: Late to the Apocalypse! Entry noted. While millions assembled scrambled for entry, you appear to have taken your time. Punctuality is valued even at the end of the world. Reward: Bronze Adventure Box.
New Achievement: Wrong Tools for the Job! Caffeinated analysis suggests a significant disparity between occupational requirements and available equipment. Hope you're good at fixing things by hitting them repeatedly. Reward: Bronze Toolbox.
New Achievement: Caffeinated Calamity! Entering a death dungeon while buzzing like a faulty appliance is a choice. Reward: Potion Bronze Calming Drop. Try not to vibrate through the floor.
The hallway stretches before you, dimly lit by an eerie green glow.
Down the corridor, screeching sounds echo. A monstrous vehicle rolls into view.
It's a steamroller with spiked wheels, built from mismatched, rusting metal. Three screaming goblins ride atop it.
One goblin, wielding a spear topped with a pineapple, leans off the side.
The Murder Dozer starts its engine with a roar, charging down the tunnel.
Jason Raymond: Get out of there, Pat!
The goblin throws the pineapple spear.
It strikes a doctor and avid disc golf player, characterized by his love for IPAs and a surprising tolerance for excessive espresso, who was in the lead.
The pineapple is stuck in his side, blood gushing out.
Pat Seethaler: Ow! Ow! What the hell?
Pat Seethaler: Ow! Ow! That's a lot of blood. Why am I bleeding so much? This is a pineapple. It didn't even hit an artery.
A doctor and avid disc golf player, characterized by his love for IPAs and a surprising tolerance for excessive espresso, pulls the pineapple spear from his side and throws it back at the goblins. It splats harmlessly against the wall.
Freddy Kane: Is there any of the objects I can use as an improvised weapon? because I don't think my screwdriver's got the range that I want.
A generic handyman with a slight beer gut and noticeably large forearms examines the rusty Murder Dozer, attempting to find something to unscrew with his pocket screwdriver, but finds nothing suitable.
Willie Webb: I haven't shared this about my character yet, but he is a chemical engineer who has taken many courses on how steam powered engines work...
A serial procrastinator with a knack for getting out of tight spots, drawing on his chemical engineering knowledge, identifies the Murder Dozer's intake fan, glowing with a blue hue.
He shoves his apron into the fan, then uses a meat tenderizer to jam it deeper, clogging the intake.
A huge notification pops up.
Boiler Breach Imminent! 10 seconds.
Willie Webb: She's going to blow!
With the Murder Dozer about to explode, the group sprints towards a side door Jason spotted.
As they reach the door, it cracks open and a small, rat-like figure leans out.
Morai: Hey, keep what do you what do you want? Keep it down there. You know you mobs aren't allowed here yet.
Jason Raymond: Uh what... what do you... what do you mean? We... we just came down the door. We came in the doors and there was a goblin bulldozer the other way.
Freddy Kane: I turned to Pat. It's a talking rat. It's a talking rat. Why is there a... There's a talking rat.
Morai: Wait.
The rat-like guild master with beady eyes squints at them.
Morai: You're... you're a... a crawler. You are by left kid. He opened up... No, but I didn't even notice. I must have slept through the announcement.
As the Murder Dozer slams into the corner outside, struggling to turn, a tooltip appears for Jason.
New Achievement: Discovered and Read Official Dungeon Sign! Reward: You can read. Whoopee. Also, all official dungeon signs must now be highlighted and easier to spot. Nearby guilds will appear on your mini map.
A faint blue glow briefly emanates from a tax accountant with a good-natured, slightly 'little hippie' vibe, wearing a nice sweater, as he receives the achievement.
Morai: Sorry, crawler. You took too long. I can't open it up if there are moms directly outside. Rules are rules.
Pat Seethaler: No, but that the whole tutorial thing said we could do it. I read the instructions.
The timer counts down. The Murder Dozer outside struggles to turn, the goblins cursing.
Willie Webb: Hit the deck! She's going to blow!
A massive explosion erupts from the hallway outside.
A wave of force slams the group against the wall near the side door.
Parts of the dozer, and goblin gore, splatter across the hallway.
Through the chaos, the rat-like guild master leans out from the door crack.
Morai: Just... just just reach over here. Just... I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't be doing this.
One by one, he frantically pulls the injured and stunned crawlers into the safety of the tutorial guild.
Silence. The chaos outside fades, replaced by the quiet hum of the guild hall.
The rat-like guild master paces frantically.
Morai: I should not... I should not... I should not do anything. I can't... I cannot function. If... if you find the healing... Oh, I can't. They're going to die.
He produces small vials.
Morai: Here you go. You passed the tutorial. Good job. Drink this and give it to your friends. All of you are allocated one with a tutorial.
He carefully avoids making them drink it.
Pat Seethaler: I drink it immediately.
Willie Webb: I give him I give him the thumbs up. I drink mine before I put on everybody else's mask.
A serial procrastinator with a knack for getting out of tight spots drinks a potion, then gives one to a doctor and avid disc golf player, characterized by his love for IPAs, who is bleeding heavily.
Pat Seethaler: Great. Great. Who the f sets up a tutorial? You know, it's fine. Actually, it's fine. Everything's fine. I got stabbed with a pineapple and that did way more damage to me than a pineapple should have done. I am... I am not... I have studied medicine for many many years and this doesn't make any sense. And then... and then this... this f drink... it just heals. It just does my job that I would take months to do in... in seconds. What the f is going on?
Morai explains the dungeon crawl is a game show for the Syndicate. Earth defaulted on mineral rights. Floor 1 is not live yet.
Willie Webb: Um, I blew up the steam engine.
Morai: Ah, yeah. Boiler breached it. Yeah, probably local shaman enchanted it in case it ever exploded.
Morai: My name is Morai, non-combat NPC. Like you, my world was displaced mini solar scope. I was a crawler made floor 11. Took the exit option.
Morai: There are six basic starter species in the syndicate uses to see worlds. Humans are one. They find worlds sprinkle you on. Wait a few thousand years for civilization to start. Then they make first contact... Legally that starts the clock. You had 50 local years from first contact to file for an appeal for your planet's mineral rights... Your planet defaulted.
Pat Seethaler: You're telling me that all the studies I've done on all the human evolution was because we were put here by the syndicate?
Freddy Kane: Not one of us was a f lawyer.
Morai: The syndicate it's got over three billion independent star system and every season a new dungeon crawler world debuts across the net and quintilians of tennis and becomes obsessed with well this the crawl.
Pat Seethaler: This is a game show.
Jason Raymond: So, did that little mishap air or are we are we going to get have have that cut out since it's like part of the tutorial and stuff?
Morai: Oh, don't worry, you're not live. Not yet. First floor is off limits. live viewers. Borant will release an official edited highlights reel...
Morai: Enough background. Let's let's get to the tutorial proper so you can actually kind of use this stuff.
Your vision cuts out briefly, then returns with new HUD elements. A blinking folder icon appears.
New menus are accessible: Stats, Inventory, Skills, Ratings.
Pat Seethaler: Damn, these I've never seen such abysmal skills and saving throws.
Freddy Kane: Holy s.
Jason Raymond: We're level one. We can only... We're not even level one. We're in the tutorial. We're only... We're going to the moon with these stats.
Morai: Okay, all right, well average adult humans three to five each. So like if you got a six in there that's pretty good.
Jason Raymond: He's running around in circles like... like uh shadow boxing like my whole life I did taxes. This is my chance to become a star. We can as a crew get on this syndicate net and and we can be the greatest crawlers of all time.
Morai: If you guys formally party up, then uh you'll be able to work together, share rewards and things like that.
Jason Raymond: I think if we're going to attract donors and really catch on, we got to have cooler names. I'm going to be Jar Ran Rayman.
Willie Webb: I will now be changing my name to Donald Trump.
The AI assigns names but allows titles.
Willie Webb: I will be the president.
Pat Seethaler: Doc.
Freddy Kane: My purpose is lost... My calling is moot.
Pat Seethaler: All right, we'll just call you moot.
Jason Raymond: The motion passes.
Morai: Let's let's get to the most important menu... your ratings.
A new, prominent HUD menu appears, showing numbers for views, followers, and favorites.
Morai: This is... the single most important menu in the game... you need viewers. You need patrons. Views lead to followers... Followers lead to viewers... Viewers only get so many favorites... Favoritely to patrons and patrons are usually organizations sponsors... They see someone popular the same gifts, loot boxes to advertise...
Morai: Borant's trying something new this season... dimensional inventory, AI cataloging, which basically means unlimited storage. If you can physically lift something off the ground for 4 seconds, you can store it no matter the size. Only rule, no limiting creatures. They die instantly.
A serial procrastinator with a knack for getting out of tight spots glances around, considering picking up one of his friends.
The group accesses their inventory menus, revealing achievement loot boxes.
They open the boxes, items materializing in their hands.
A doctor and avid disc golf player, characterized by his love for IPAs, receives a novelty oversized stethoscope and a B reflex hammer. A generic handyman with a slight beer gut and noticeably large forearms gets a small claw hammer and a heavy pipe wrench. A serial procrastinator with a knack for getting out of tight spots confirms he still has his meat tenderizer and gets a length of rusty chain.
Morai: That's basically it for the tutorial. Any questions?
Willie Webb: Can I peek outside the door to see if all the goblins died in the... in the explosion?
A serial procrastinator with a knack for getting out of tight spots peeks out the door crack. He sees a single goblin staggering away in the distance.
Pat Seethaler: I look at where my wound was. I'm pretty sure you can.
A doctor and avid disc golf player, characterized by his love for IPAs, touches the spot where he was stabbed, remembering the pain and blood.
Willie Webb: Oh. Okay, I'll just close the door.
Morai: I'm your registered guide until 44. So come back with any questions before then.
Willie Webb: Morai, have you ever read the book Red Wall?
Morai: Uh that's disrespectful. Also, I'm not a rat. This is just what I am on this floor. It'll change later.
Pat Seethaler: Anyway, um, so like here's another question for you, Morai. You currently look like a rat and you're going to change... what were you originally? Do you even remember? And does it even matter anymore?
Morai: Uh, I was a sky foul, so I remember. And it doesn't matter. Well, it does. I'll go back. It's like a E A Cra if you ever play D and D.
Morai: Just remember ratings are life. Kill with style.
Morai: And also remember who who who God is. And if you can get on God's good side, that is maybe as important as getting on the side of the patriots.